What fresh hell is this?

I feel so tired and sad and abandoned. It’s a summer of watching the world pass me by, and while that is nice sometimes, right now I just feel left out. Today is the first day of the annual General Assembly of our denomination, and this is only the second one Adam has missed since 2003. The other one was the year we moved here to Alabama. We had plans to go to this one, to leave the kids with Adam’s mom some of the time so that I could go too, to see friends and visit family. Instead, Adam starts cycle 6 of chemo tomorrow. By Friday, he will be halfway done with chemo, but that isn’t as comforting as I hoped it would be. I wish I was in Greenville, South Carolina with friends. I wish we were doing anything but chemo this week. I wish I didn’t always feel this bone-deep sadness and the oft accompanying lethargy.

My kids are doing well this week, though. So that’s one less hellish thing. They aren’t playing particularly well together, so that is something to work toward, but they are enjoying some much needed downtime after last week’s adventures in mission tripping. And hey, I got the floor swept / swiffered and had the kids (not so very cooperatively) help with unloading and loading the dishwasher. It almost sounds like housework was taking place! (Confession: I had to get the dishes done so that I could make coffee…otherwise, it might all be sitting there still!) Because you know, COFFEE!

And now, as I contemplate saving the draft as opposed to posting this, I realize that it doesn’t feel so hellish anymore. I still wish our plans could have worked out – but not as much as I wish that Adam didn’t have to do chemo and that he’d never even thought the word cancer! But I am glad that we have each other and good friends who help us – many of whom probably wish they weren’t sitting through the long meetings that inevitably accompany General Assembly. And mostly, I have hope that this is but a season – maybe one that more closely resembles perdition than paradise – and it will pass. May it be so…soon.

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