Worth the Wait

I just had one of those moments. I was asking myself how long it could possibly take water to boil. I gave up and poured the very hot, but not yet boiling, water over the grounds in the French press coffee maker and then began to wait some more. I then asked myself how long it could possibly take for coffee to brew. Why was I waiting for French press coffee when I could already be drinking drip coffee? Why did I need coffee so much? Had I ever been this tired? And when did I start talking to myself so much? I mean, I’ve always done that to some degree, but this was reaching new extremes. Then I realized that I knew exactly when I had been this tired before: the first six weeks of 2003 and from April 2004 to April 2005 – the weeks and months during which I had a baby who was not sleeping through the night. Then, like now, lack of sleep was just a small part of the problem. The emotional fatigue is the real culprit here. It is hard to do everything around the house that we usually share while Adam is recovering from surgery. It is even more exhausting to contemplate the coming weeks and months in which he will be undergoing further treatment. We have no idea what that will consist of, how long it will last, how it will affect him, or what his long-term results will be. We hope and trust that the treatment will be successful, that the cancer is gone, and that Adam will be fully healthy again soon. But we don’t know. We also have to get through the every day stuff in the meantime. Much like when I had new babies, I feel responsible for and to other people and the emotional drain is huge. I forgot to set an alarm last night – because that used to be Adam’s job – so this morning was crazy. Then Kara was sure she had a stomach bug. I didn’t even deal with that at 7:30. I got Ethan to school, and then went back to bed in an attempt to start this day over. I got Kara (who is not sick) to school by 10:30 and then began the coffee routine. And the first sip – and all of the subsequent ones, for that matter – was totally worth the wait. But I’m still really tired. It may just be one of those days for me. I guess I need to get used to the idea that I’m not going to feel strong everyday. I will want to escape and to ignore the dishes and the laundry and the alarm clock. I will want to feel sorry for myself and to cry over everything and nothing. I just got weepy over an episode of NCIS that I had on the dvr. The commercials aren’t getting me yet, but I am fast-forwarding through them….
I am so thankful for Adam’s ability to get treatment, for friends and family who are helping and loving us, for my children and my love. But I am also sad and cranky and so, so tired. So I am mostly thankful that Scarlett O’Hara is right and that tomorrow is another day. And many of the tomorrows will be good, because many of the yesterdays were good too. And the good days are worth the wait too. And on the bad days, there is always coffee…and chocolate…and sweet hugs from my family. And lots of prayer.

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2 thoughts on “Worth the Wait

  1. Fran Rice says:

    I just want to say how much I wish I could help. I am resting in the comfort that our Heavenly Father is your strength and help. I will continue to pray for you and the family. And remember that it is ok to crawl back in bed. Somedays that is what we need. And other days it is Starbucks!!!!

  2. acwalsman says:

    Praying for you all…your in our thoughts often. Wish we lived closer so we could help with laundry, and all those little details. I’m sure there are many in your church who want to help-that would love it if you let them, even with dismal things like laundry. You are going through so much, and resting and letting other people help is okay….very okay. Hugs.

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