Despite what some may think, my internet silence has nothing to do with incarceration due to murderous impulses that I acted upon. Do not think that means that I have had no murderous impulses, however. I have not, as yet, thrown anything, damaged anyone, or otherwise acted on those feelings. I don’t even have those feelings all the time, they just jump up and bite me every once in a while. I hate that.
So…what is going on: Adam was in surgery for about seven hours yesterday – his surgeon was doing all he could to save the rectum…to no avail. Adam has a permanent ostomy that we will be learning about in the days and weeks ahead. That also means that the tumor was big and thick. Which I also hate. It means that Adam will be referred to an oncologist for further testing and will likely receive radiation and chemo. But. We can’t even go to the oncologist until Adam heals from this surgery. So. His job for the next three to four weeks is to heal. We expect him to be in the hospital for at least three more days, and maybe four or five. He still can’t eat or drink anything but ice chips, and he is supposed to be walking, but he hasn’t made much progress on that yet. As you may imagine, this too is something I hate.
What do I hate the most, though? This surreal feeling and the interminable waiting. You see, Adam is actually doing okay. He isn’t enjoying any of this, but he is cogent a lot of the time and his surgical recovery is going well. But. We can’t even start on the cancer treatments, and I can’t plan for anything, and I don’t know what I am going to need, and I can’t make life “normal” for my kids, and I can’t make myself not scared, and I can’t make Adam feel better, and…well, you get the picture. I hate all that the most – all that stuff that I cannot control.
You see, we can all say that we never know what tomorrow will bring, but I never realized how much I counted on knowing that very thing until I truly came face to face with my lack of foresight. So we are living one day at a time, and trying to make life as normal as possible for everyone – especially Ethan and Kara. I haven’t put their names on here before, but I want you to know these children who not only get the spotlight of being a pastor’s kids, but now of having a very sick daddy, too. They are tough and they are prayed for and they are God’s even as they are ours. They will, by His grace, be okay. But it will not be the kind of okay that we wanted for them, at least not for the next however long. And that makes me so sad. And it makes Adam feel guilty. Even though he knows he shouldn’t. I hate all that the most too.
Guess what I don’t hate? You! That’s right, all of you! We have felt so loved, so cared for, so prayed for, so…part of a giant family. Our family, our friends, our church family, our extended church families all over the country – all of you have loved us so well over the past few days. Thank you and thank God for you. We will ask for whatever we need and we will let you help us. We still don’t know what those things will be. Right now, the meals are so appreciated – as are the visits, the laughs, and the help with the kids. For now, pray for peace, rest, patience, healing, wisdom in talking to the children, and more healing and patience. The children do know what is going on to an extent, but I expect them to continue to have questions and to have a hard time with the answers. I am having a hard time with them, myself…. We love you. Thank you for loving us.
PS Please know that Adam is not as frank as I am and is a bit uncomfortable with talking about some of his digestive issues. Please be sensitive! I know you will…but still…for his sake, I want to be clear.